Speaker 1: 0:01

The Journey Talks podcast, your favorite podcast to reconnect with gratitude and inspiration, hosted by Jorge Gonzales. Greetings everybody. This is Jorge Gonzales, your host, with a brief trigger warning before we begin. The following episode addresses mental health issues, panic attacks, suicidal thoughts and drug abuse. Please continue with discretion. If you are struggling with these dynamics, we encourage you to seek professional help. Let's begin. Hello and welcome everybody to Journey Talks podcast, your favorite podcast to reconnect with gratitude and inspiration. My name is Jorge Saguero Gonzales and I am your host.

Speaker 1: 0:45

I believe and I am convinced that behind every gratitude, there's a powerful story to be told, and this podcast is a space to share those stories, to pay attention to these stories and to learn from one another. I have a very special guest with us this morning, and the reason why I'm bringing this guest is because I am convinced check this out, guys as humans, we all share this experience that we call life being alive. Right, and along the journey, we meet people that stay with us for a little short period of time and others that linger for a little longer, right, but the question is who are the people? What are the situations in our lives that bring us to a crossroad? Right, and we have to make a change in our lives, right? And who are these people that come to our lives, that open doors for transformations transformations of the mind and transformations of the heart? And I am convinced that we are all together in this journey. Right, we are sojourners, and the beauty of sharing stories and reconnecting with this thing that makes us human is our very own journey. So our guest is a very special friend of mine. We have known each other since we were little children.

Speaker 1: 2:01

Okay, I'll let him talk a little bit more about it, but I have invited him because this dude is incredible. So our guest is an award-winning video editor, music producer, digital artist and incredible cook. All right, he is the creative director at Color Keys Inc. A guy with an incredible heart and energy. He is humble and hilarious at the same time. You have seen some of his work in Netflix's Queer Eye and, like my previous guests in the past, he is an artist. You and I have known each other since we were kids, and the point of the story is from where we were at one point in our lives and where we are today, and so, without further ado, I want to introduce you to my very good friend, the one and only Carlos Gamarra. Carlos, welcome to Journey Talks Podcast. How are you this morning?

Speaker 2: 2:57

I'm excited to be here.

Speaker 1: 2:58

I'm so grateful that you're here. Thank you so much.

Speaker 2: 3:01

Thank you for the invite.

Speaker 1: 3:04

So you are. Tell us a little bit more about you. You are originally I mean, we both are Puerto Rican. We live in the United States now, but you are originally from Umagao. Is that correct?

Speaker 2: 3:14

So I was born in Umagao and then, five years later, my family decided to move to the west side of Puerto Rico, into a town called Moga, which is right next to Aguadilla, and that in that northwest area, where the beaches are beautiful and the people are so, so laid back and fun, yeah and chill, yeah, definitely West Coast vibes. It definitely reminds me. It definitely reminds me of like. When I moved to the United States, I was like, oh, this is what the people in the east, like, are like, and then these are, this is like the, the laid backness of the west side, and I feel like it really, um, because of the, of the beaches and all that, I feel like it translates into Puerto Rico as well.

Speaker 1: 3:58

Yeah, I can. I can see that. I can see that, all right, so let me see. Um, I have tried to sing your praises a little bit, but is there anything else, anything that you're interested in lately? What's going on with your life these days? What are you cooking, literally and figuratively? What's going on with you lately? So?

Speaker 2: 4:18

to fast forward to now, um, I, right now, I so during the pandemic, which was like a really weird time to do it. But during the pandemic I decided to incorporate myself and I have a company. I have a company. It's like a, it's just me, but I am able to work with other creatives, bring them on and, um, not only bring them on but, like, exchange knowledge. So I have been able to train, uh some people and exchange, uh, some of the knowledge that I've acquired onto them, and then, uh, because a little bit of a sidetrack, because of the fact that we're not in an office environment anymore, some of that knowledge does not get transmitted anymore. So, uh, and and and especially because it's, uh, some of this knowledge is social knowledge, right, and uh, things that we pick up while we're doing our work, uh, so I'm trying to bring it somehow, bring that back into my life at least. Uh, because I'm I'm a type of person who, like, learns by looking at someone else to it, like I'm, I'm the greatest imitator, right, and then, through that, I will like have my own, internalize that and and and learn.

Speaker 2: 5:36

But so I opened up my, my company, um, and have been working on various projects, some of them uh well development, meaning that I've been helping companies uh create new shows that haven't aired yet. And then um for like HBO, hbo max um and then other projects, like the project that I'm on right now is another project for HBO max Um, and it's called thruple and it's about uh polyamory, you know, and and the dynamics that go into uh being in a and deciding to uh pursue that uh lifestyle, right. So, and then you know I've I'm working with the Metropolitan Museum of Art, uh working on highlight, internal highlight reels that they do uh every year. I've been them, I've been with them for four years now, which is very exciting because, like um, you know most people in my, in my uh field that our freelancers are mostly like jumping around, but thankfully, like uh, the med has been one of my go to and they had uh I have been their go to, so we've been able to establish a relationship that far.

Speaker 2: 6:55

You know, four years, uh, fast forward, four years. You know I'm we're still working together and uh, you know, yeah, yeah, I look, I look forward every time they reach out. I'm like so excited cause they're really they're, they're really good client and really good people, to be honest. Um, and then I'm now I'm kind of exploring myself a little bit, you know and my and the things that I like and enjoy doing, and kind of formalizing. And by that I mean, like, I love food. I've been cooking for the past five years for myself and for friends. I, I have friends that come over and I host them with food, um, so I recently applied for uh, culinary school here in Manhattan.

Speaker 1: 7:40

Congratulations, thank you.

Speaker 2: 7:42

Uh, so, yeah, so, hopefully next year during winter, I I start, but I applied for the Institute of Culinary Education here in Manhattan, so so there's a lot.

Speaker 2: 7:57

I am, I'm doing a lot, but learning how to delegate and also, but most importantly, you know, trust.

Speaker 2: 8:05

Trust in my, my gut, like that first gut instinct, and trust that every that I have the, the, the capability and the knowledge, uh, to do it right.

Speaker 2: 8:18

You know, um, and also just trust, just trust that everything's going to be fine, it's going to be okay, that everything is okay, even though that some, even though sometimes, uh, we might be blinded because we're so close to what we're doing at the moment, you know, we have like, like, you know, we, we, we lose the peripheral, our peripheral, so, um, trying to keep up a distance, you know, so I can see everything and and in that, in that, be able to, you know, understand what's happening in my life, so I can be like, oh, this thing happened to me. I'm super happy that that happened to me, even if it was a bad, if it, even if it's perceived out as a bad thing, right, because we tend to like, put things into like this was good, this was bad. You know, without being without, without um, you know, 하지 Um, being able to see like, hey, there's there's, there's good in the bad and there's bad in the good sometimes, you know. So, so, having a little bit more perspective, no, listen, I think that's very deep.

Speaker 1: 9:27

You're really hitting on some what I consider like spiritual principles of life. But I think this is a perfect segue, carlos, because so this, this podcast, is about sharing stories of gratitude, right, and so I think your story is fascinating, you and I. It's interesting because we disconnected for a few years, right, and then we somehow got reconnected to social media, and it was incredible because we were able to actually not only Stay in touch with social media I think at one point I was able to go to New York and we were able to connect. We have brunch one one morning, I remember, and we just hit it off once again, and it's just been super, super, super cool.

Speaker 1: 10:08

This podcast is about sharing stories of gratitude, and you, for me, gratitude is is not just when the things are going well. It's is this opportunity that we have to to go, to go to a specific mindset and placing our mindset in our heart, where we reflect and we realize that that there's a lot for us to, to look in a positive way, and when we, when we have the ability to look at things maybe, for lack of a better word, to look at the glass half full instead of glass empty and let have empty. There's something helpful and we we, we can go through life knowing that life is happening for us and that we can pursue dreams or overcome obstacles in life. And I think that I just can't wait for you to share some of those stories with us. I mean this whole journey and pivotal change that you're making to entertaining, cooking and learning how to cook, and getting more experience in a professional way in that field.

Speaker 1: 11:08

I think it's fascinating, so I'm curious to hear more about it. Why don't we just go deep in it? You want an Emmy Award, right, and then you were nominated for another Emmy Award with a queer eye. So tell us about that experience. Tell us about how was, what was that like to to have an opportunity like that? When the show Promotes such great things and and it creates, it pushes people to look at each other as humans, right, it pushes people to recognize our shared humanity and and I'm curious as to what it was like for you from the back scene when you're editing the show and how much that role Was like like for you in your professional life and as an individual tell us a little bit more about it.

Speaker 2: 11:52

So when I got into the show, they already had, you know, they were doing the first and second season and they had asked me to To work on it and because of scheduling I wasn't, I wasn't able to perform part of that first group and and they finished first and second season and they won Emmys. And I was like, oh wow, that's so awesome. And the and I Was super happy because I had a lot of friends in that group and I was like that's awesome. They I know those, those people they have they are really hard workers, they have a very high work ethic, very high standards, and that's what wins awards, to be honest. And Then I got the opportunity to work on season three and I worked on season two, but it was in the back end. So I returned for season three and four and I was so certain that we were gonna win again because of, like, everyone still had the same attitude. I was entering, I was re-entering into a group where those those high standards were not only implemented but valued and and we kept pursuing how can we make this better? How can we make this better? So I immersed myself into that read like I gave myself completely to that process and gave myself to the relationships that the work relationships that we were, like you know, growing to.

Speaker 2: 13:30

And you know, after we finish, it was a, it was a big overhaul. It was a lot of work because, because everyone's working at a really high level, it was a lot of work it. It at the end you feel super drained, but with a lot of satisfaction because of the type of work that we were doing. It was like actually made big, making people like reflect and, you know, go into introspect because, like we, I feel like we we're constantly entertaining ourselves and like distracting ourselves and we barely have the time or space, you know, mentally Sometimes, to actually like think about. You know, are something as simple as what, what happened to during the day, like, what did I, what did I feel, what did I think? Who do what? Who did I interact with? That actually like affected, affected me in a positive or negative way, all those things you know and and so the I knew that we were making a difference with the work that we were doing and it was great it.

Speaker 2: 14:45

And once we were finished with those two seasons, we got we, we, we got the notification like hey, we're submitting the show and then the show. The show got submitted to the Academy, the Academy accepted it and we became like a nominee and then we got invited to go to to LA and we it was a huge event. I was like so taken back because, like everyone's like it's student ties, walk, walking the red carpet and, to be honest, holy like I in my mind, while I was like working, I was like I just have to do the best work, right, and this was like around and this was like before, like this whole, the whole black lives matter thing happened and but I knew that I Was a minority in the, in the work group that I was working With right. So, like going into the event, I knew. I knew that for me, besides it being a big accomplishment that I Was able to set out for myself and do it with this group of people, I knew that being there meant like I, I'm here because I I've Said it in my heart, in my mind to represent right, to not only represent myself by my family, my friends, puerto Rico, you know, in some way, some way, in some way right. And when I was there, it felt it I need, I felt like I needed to be there, present, completely, because I was there representing, you know, a minority. And also, like, I believe in leading by example and I've always, during my whole career, I've always had the, the, the sentiment, the thought of like.

Speaker 2: 16:43

I want to show Everyone that if you, if you make certain choices, or, more like, if you have a certain approach to things, that you can achieve things. You know, and Emmy is just an achievement like it, you know it's a very, it's an important achievement, yeah, but it's not the end goal. The real thing is like how, how can I like train myself, how can I Put myself into the mindset of like, how can I, how can I achieve something? And for me, the achievement was great work. The award is just a product of doing great work. But my, my focus and the team's focus was like we have to make this really good. You know, and and and, strive and nothing, nothing below that.

Speaker 2: 17:38

So and so I wanted to show people it's like, hey, if you put your head down and like really, really focus, like, hyper focus on something, things will happen. You know things will happen. So, but you know there's also something to be said when you hyper focus on something that's negative, like the byproducts of like something negative, like something will affect you negatively, right, we'll attract that, we'll attract all those things. But yeah, it was me. Being at those award shows was always, has always and will always be about representation, you know, because there's a lot of work to be done, there's a lot of conversations to be had about representation and minorities and BIPOC and gay people, you know all of that. So, yeah, it was important, it was important to me and it's still and it's very special to me because, at the end of it all, we did work that actually mattered and affected people in some way.

Speaker 1: 18:52

Thank you for sharing, because, I mean, I've been a fan of the show for a few years now, and once I knew that you were a part of it, I was just blown away. I think it's just phenomenal because the stories that they're put out there stories of reconciliation, stories of healing, stories that help us bring down walls that are just the result of, perhaps, things that we have learned over the years that are ready for an upgrade, and I think that the way you guys have gone about it is very fresh, is very refreshing, and so I thank you for being part of that process. Now let me ask you to again. This podcast is about stories of gratitude, stories of reflection of moments or people that we have met along the way. So how would you define gratitude, or what is the role of gratitude in your life right now?

Speaker 2: 19:42

To be completely honest, I feel like I'm still learning what that means for myself and being able to really open my mind and heart to slow down and take a deep breath and be gratified and feel gratified towards I can breathe, I can walk and really paying attention to the smaller things that we take for granted, because then the bigger things seem even bigger too. If we're like, oh, I'm grateful for the toast that I had today, that I'm able to have a little bit of a spread, make something for myself, eat it, have the time to eat it and really just feel the food and feel the nutrients go through my body, I think it's gratitude. I think self-awareness has there's an order, I feel. I feel like in the past years I've learned of self-awareness. Before I was like wait, there's a conscious and subconscious Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on, hold on, I'm missing out, I'm missing out FOMO. So I started learning about like, oh, there's things that happen like consciously and there's things that happen subconsciously, and I feel like I have to bring gratitude into the conscious, to the present, into the now, so that I can have perspective. Because we were talking before about how we view things like this is good and we label it this is good, this is bad, and it's like look, even in the bad, even if we lose, even if we lose, there's still something to learn there, even if we win. There's lessons there too, like how did I get there, how did I get there? So I feel like, first and foremost, self-awareness, so I can have this, have a immersed experience, and then from there I move on to like so what am I grateful for? What things in my life? If we're talking about accomplishments, what accomplishments I've made that I can be grateful, or who have I chose to be part of my life? Who do I relate myself and I'm grateful for those people? Who are those people? What are the small rituals that I do for myself or other people that I'm grateful that I can do those, or receive them, because it's also like I give and I also receive.

Speaker 2: 23:02

I'm the type of person that I tend to just like give, give, give, give, give, give until I'm completely depleted, and that's the extreme of giving, that's the extreme of serving. You know, you have to also recharge, and being grateful is one of those things. It's like wait, let me take a minute, let me look around. Look around and inside, right, what is going on? What's going on, let me see. Oh, I'm grateful that I have a chair to sit on. You know, these are like super simple things and they might also be like, oh, that's kind of silly, but at the same time, it's like we really take these things for granted. You know, would you allow?

Speaker 1: 23:51

me to piggyback here with you for a second. Yeah, go ahead. I think that's fascinating, the fact that we are so prone to ignore those small things in life that make. They are the reminders that life is a gift and it's so easy for us to overlook them because we just take them for granted. And you said it, you know to having that inclination to our self-awareness and to understand what happens in our subconscious and how they manifest or show up in our consciousness, just to understand that and to have that awareness of self.

Speaker 1: 24:28

In my experience, I've been one of the most powerful things in liberating things in my life and it sounds like you have been able to. I mean, it sounds like you have been able to tap into that awareness and it has served you and it has given you some sort of like direction. What would you say then? What would you say then when it comes to like people or situations that have brought you to a place or a moment of realization that, whether it was a positive or a negative experience, you look back and because of that self-awareness, you were able to handle that situation. Let's say it was something negative, right? How were you able to not be stuck there and therefore understand, learn the lesson and move on.

Speaker 1: 25:18

That's on the negative side, right, but if on the positive side, is okay. So what helped me to get here? What should I be For lack of a better word proud about myself, because we have a hard time sometimes, at least for me to affirming ourselves? Affirming ourselves sometimes, we think, is being cocky. There's a big difference, I think, between self-love and tapping into courage and bravery and versus being cocky. So let's go back to what are some of those people, what are some of those circumstances or situations that brought you to a place of reflection, self-realization, and then, out of that, a moment of gratitude.

Speaker 2: 26:02

So a couple of years back I moved to El Paso pursuing a project with a business partner and I think the main reason was I just I need to find out what this is about, I need to pursue this and just I don't want any regrets, right. But I spent eight months there. It really didn't work out and I experienced a lot of extremes, meaning that I went broke. I went into like a big debt trying to pursue that dream. I distanced myself from everyone because I was living in New York and moved to El Paso Not only from my friends but my family, because most of my family back then was in Puerto Rico. So I did a lot of extremes thing, even climate, like it's really hot there. So I experienced a lot of extremes and I was hyper focused on only this thing. I forgot about myself completely. Nothing else mattered, my health didn't matter, I just wanted to make this project work. Right. We were out there, we were trying to get a radio station and it didn't work. It didn't work. It really to the point and it.

Speaker 2: 27:33

So once I figure this is not working, then guilt kicked in. Like you know, you're so irresponsible Look at what you've done right, like you're talking down to yourself and I feel like I didn't realize how bad it was, how bad of like, how extreme it was, until my sister one of my sister, my older sister, angela. She calls me to tell me that she's pregnant, right, she's going to have my little niece, right, alejandra, she's four now. But at the time she was like, hey, I'm pregnant and not I didn't. And you know what is the reaction. Right, you're supposed to get excited. You're supposed to like, oh my God, I'm so. What can I do? I can't wait to be there. I knew something was wrong with me when I didn't react. Wow, the way, the way I would have reacted. Right, I know myself, I knew myself enough to be like. You know I was like, hey, that's cool, but you know I was trying to be like as supportive and excited for her right, but deep down I was none of those things I did I could.

Speaker 2: 28:51

There was once that happened. It triggered like, let me look into myself, like what's going on? And then I knew I was completely done. I was depressed, I was super, super blinded to like what my reality was, and that's the one thing that life was like. Yo, you've just received one of the most amazing news that someone can receive. And you didn't have the energy, the spirit, anything to like, really like, hype yourself up. And after that phone call I immediately called my mom and moms are so special Because, like she was, like you're, it's like Carlos, you, you are, you okay, you sound, you sound different. And that, just it just brought me to tears, because a few days earlier of that phone call, I walked out of my house and literally walked into the desert and I I was like, if I don't come back from this walk, I don't care.

Speaker 1: 30:07

Wow.

Speaker 2: 30:09

It was really hard and if it wasn't for me trying to to like, call other people and, you know, just maintain myself kind of lucid, I wouldn't have come back Like I probably would have dehydrated, just slept on the floor and that that's it. That, no, no, no more. Carlos, right, yeah, Because even the, even the, the partner that I was pursuing this project with, like they, they had their own extremes that they weren't dealing with. Right, Right we all have a story.

Speaker 1: 30:42

Of course yeah.

Speaker 2: 30:42

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know there was like there were, there were drugs involved because, like I, I couldn't deal with it Right. Unprescribed, like unprescribed drugs, Like it was really really, really bad. It was really bad to the point that I, I left the house and I was like I don't care, I don't care, wow, and then. But so, but in that, in that darkness, there was a lot of uh, I don't know, I don't know there was little bits of light because it's like at some point I was like, why are you treating yourself this way? You wouldn't even treat your best friend this way.

Speaker 1: 31:19

Mmm, you know.

Speaker 2: 31:21

And I literally, like you, wouldn't like. One of my best friends is my friend, danny. It's like you would never do this to Danny. Right you would never allow something, someone to talk to Danny this way, but why would you do it to yourself?

Speaker 1: 31:36

Isn't that, isn't that so interesting, carlos? That we are our worst enemy? And listen, we are saying things. I'm not a guru, I'm not saying anything new, you know. I think what's happening here is that we are creating a safe space for each other to, to share stories and and to recognize that, at the end of the day, we're very similar, right, um. But what a powerful thing to realize that, that, yes, this, I'm in the middle of the dark cave, I'm in the middle of the pit, um, this is also part of a human experience. How do we access that self love? How do we access war, the people that show up? What are the eight, the, the, the guides, or the angels, or the support system, whatever we want to call it? You know, words can help us a lot, right To to to, to give us images for, for support.

Speaker 2: 32:26

So I'm starting to get to receive some of some realization, some information that there's still hope. Right, because at the end of it all, I I went into the into that, like I. I went and pursued this, but I knew in the back of my pocket that if I returned to New York I would have in in in at least six months. I would have put myself back on my feet. But and I did, you know, like I did, but the toll that it took on me, like spiritually and mentally, was way beyond six months. You know, like six months was just like the money, but I didn't know how much I hurt myself. So I decided I have to drop my stuff. I left everything in El Paso, because I moved from New York to El Paso. I moved all my furniture, tv, all all the things that I had, all the things that I had and owned. They stayed in El Paso. So, Sagao from zero, I'm, I'm at zero because I left. I left El Paso, left my things there because I ran out of money, you know. So I can't move it back. You know I ran out of money. So I was like ciao, I'm leaving El Paso, I'm leaving my stuff, I'm going. I went back to Puerto Rico, because my mom was like you have a, you have a home here. Please come back. And I did, and it was. It was really hard. It was really hard because I would wake up and I would wake up crying, you know, with with feelings of shame, like guilt, though shame and guilt were like the biggest, they're the worst, they're, they were the biggest ones for me. And but that's when, when I went to back to Puerto Rico, that's when the heel, that part, that wound, that's when it started, started the healing process. You know. You know I needed a break, I need a break and I also. One of the other things that that opened my, that started this, this whole journey of self-awareness, was that I did.

Speaker 2: 34:36

I, growing up, I wasn't really close to my dad, you know, and I always wanted my, my dad, to be a certain dad. I wanted him to behave a certain way because, like TV portrayed dad's a certain way and like they have to be this way, they end without knowing that my, my dad is my dad. You know, I can't, you know I can't force someone to be something they're not, you know, not saying that my dad, but my dad was a good dad. Let's just put that up into perspective. But I wanted something more with my dad and, not knowing that, the real is like I should have started it If I wanted it. I never told him that I wanted that. I also I always assumed that he should have known to do that right.

Speaker 2: 35:31

And then, and then, my parents when, when I was in my 20s, early 20s, my, my parents, got divorced, which was something that I never imagined because I grew up Christian and like marriages forever and these things don't happen in in in these type of environments. They're going to grow old together. And then divorce happened in my family and then so it made my, it made that dream or that thought of my dad being the dad that I wanted him to be like even further to the point where it created Ah, how do you say Rancor, resentment? Yeah, I had really deep feelings of resentment towards my dad, you know, and he didn't even know. That's the crazy thing. Like it was just like me being, like. I feel so mad and angry because my dad isn't the dad you know.

Speaker 1: 36:34

Well, because those were your expectations, right. Yeah, it's only human, we all have them. Yes, listen, I resonate with you right now because we all have those expectations towards our parents. And then we realize, when we meet their humanity and we recognize our own humanity, we're like ugh. Still, I had all these expectations from you because I needed these things from you. But you know, life sears us in different ways, right?

Speaker 2: 36:58

Yeah, I think I was able to, like you know, cross that when I figured it's like look, our parents are just people trying to figure it out as well, you know, because like and now that I'm in my 30s, I'm like, oh my God, I can't believe like my parents were like raising me in their 30s, you know, Like I'm still like figuring stuff out about myself. How did they do it? So I feel like they went through a big feat. But yeah, so I went back to Puerto Rico, started that process and I met up with my dad. I was like, hey, I have to talk to you, I have to talk to you about something. And he was like, no, okay, let's just sit down. And I told him.

Speaker 2: 37:40

I told him like, look, for years now, I felt this resentment towards you because of, like, I had these expectations, because I blamed the disforce on you and I want to apologize, you know. I want to say I'm sorry, you know, and I want to tell you that I really need you as a dad, you know, to at least be there and support me because, like, I'm doing things that are really hard, you know, and the more support I have, the better it's going to be. I just need you in my life If I don't get it. It's what I told them. And it felt like I dropped 100 pounds, because imagine, imagine carrying all that for years, for years, for years, every time, like I would think of my dad, it was always like I, but my dad, you know, or I would hear someone else talk about their dad's and like all the things, and I'm like, yeah, that's cool, you know, never thinking of like man, but, like you know, my dad did these other things and, at the end of it all our parents do the best, that, the best they can do with what they have, and that meaning like experiences, knowledge, finances, what they do the best. They do the best because they come from another world. Really, if you think about it, they've experienced the world. They've had other experiences that we might never experience.

Speaker 2: 39:32

You know, my dad is an immigrant, like he's. He came from Peru to Puerto Rico, met my mom and, like who knows what he went through when he grew up in Peru, you know. So it's like we will and we'll never know. We'll never know what our parents went through because, like we're their children, they'll probably some of these parents will never open up to be like yo, like I had her. I didn't have these things, you know, and I tried to provide them for you, but and that even go tron, even the trying, was a big feat, you know so he, but here we are. So how do we, how do we like, be more empathetic, how can we like open up to under, to understand where they coming from and where they're going, you know, or what they went through, more like?

Speaker 1: 40:22

you know what I'm hearing this conversation and I love it.

Speaker 1: 40:25

First of all, thank you so much for your willing, your willingness to open up about this aspect of your story, this part of your story right, which is the relationship with our parents I think we all have.

Speaker 1: 40:35

If we are honest with each other, we can we can unpack certain areas of growth right. But I'm hearing a very deep sense of gratitude for the way that they showed up for you in moments of of of turmoil and moments of despair. I'm hearing a sense of gratitude of somehow you finding this still small voice for lack of a better word within yourself right Of remembering whether it was remembering the love and the sense of belonging that you have with your parents in the midst of the situations that we're going through because of divorce and all of that. But then this, this ability to like come back to a place where you can restore yourself and start again. That is fascinating and I so appreciate the fact that you are so open to share that with us and with our listeners, because I think people can relate to that. You know, I'm sure you're not the only one that have gone through a process that you have to reinvent yourself, right.

Speaker 2: 41:37

Go ahead. Well, I think my biggest fear with with my dad was, like, I think what eventually triggered me to to take a step forward was the idea of like your, your, your dad could pass away and you will never have that conversation, you know. So I think, like time, like time, I felt like you have to do it sooner than later, because life will pass, something might happen and you will never, ever be able to free yourself. So, like I could potentially set my, I could have potentially set myself up for like a really big pain just because I wasn't, just because I was resentful.

Speaker 1: 42:33

That's amazing, right, because we, when we are in places of pain or suffering it, just we forget that it's so easy for us, our mind goes to a place of self protection, right, and we overlook the fact that all these things are coming from a need.

Speaker 1: 42:50

But we're so afraid of being vulnerable and recognize that we have this need, and so is that inner child longing for that reconnection, right. And I have found and this is more of a question for you In my life I have found that when I lean in into that place of vulnerability, as uncomfortable and as fearful as it could be, something more powerful is on the other side of it, and so that has been a wonderful north. I mean that I try to follow, but it sounds like you have been given permission to yourself to lean into those spaces. And here you are. You know like and how beautiful it is that life has given you opportunities to reconnect with yourself, to reconnect with the support system that you have around you, and to also open up to be received, to receive the support from new places as well.

Speaker 2: 43:46

Yeah, I mean like so that would be like on lessons that I've learned, gratitude, lessons I've learned from being with my family, and then, like from work, right, I've suffered, at least the ones that I can count right, but at least like really three really bad burnouts, you know, and I just recovered from one because I and I knew it was a burnout, because I got the shingles. You know it was so much stress, I was putting myself through so much stress and really without taking care of myself, you know, not only with satisfying the needs that I have as a person, you know, but also like health wise. I wasn't eating the correct portions, I wasn't eating the correct food that was bringing the nutrients that I actually need. I was, it was just there was no, there was no structure to my life, you know, I was waking up at weird hours, I was going to sleep at weird hours, I was getting the work done, but at the expense of myself, right.

Speaker 2: 45:07

So I had to again go back, like so the shingles put me down, like I had to quit. I had to make a decision. I had to quit a job that I had, like I was currently on. I was like, guys, I have to quit. I can't. I am not fully recovered. I have to go. Sorry, you know, and I did. I left and the cool thing about that is, like because I had suffered burnouts before, one of the things that I learned previously is that it's okay to say no, it's okay to quit, you know.

Speaker 1: 45:42

It's okay.

Speaker 2: 45:44

And there's no shame, there's no there. Like, yes, you're breaking a commitment, but like you, you, you're the you're, you're you, like there's only you. You're the one who my mom likes to say like you're your own best friend, you know, like you're the only person that's going to be with you, by the literally, you're the one that spends time with yourself 24, 24, 7, you know. So you have to take it. That's it's like take care of yourself, because your body's going to carry, is the one that's carrying you. So, yeah, like, after suffering a big burnout, this last big burnout, I was like, okay, I'm doing too much. I'm obviously doing too much, but I'm, but I'm not doing enough for myself, you know.

Speaker 1: 46:36

Self love, brother, you know.

Speaker 2: 46:38

so it's like everything, everything just like was was not in balance. You know, there was a, there was an imbalance. So that took me to like rethink a lot of things and also like, after going to the doctor, the doctor was, like you have to change your lifestyle. If not, like you can, you can die. It was. He literally told me like this could you could die of a stroke, you know. So I was like, okay, I have to make some changes. But now, now it's almost like life telling me like well, you had your chance, now you have to do it.

Speaker 2: 47:15

You know it was like you had your chance to do it because you wanted to. Now you have to you, now you have to do them. There's no other choice, okay, so, like I, I hear you life, let's do it, let's do it, let's do it. So, you know, these changes, I, I, I'm starting to like to assimilate them, but not enough, I guess, like the old old Carlos would have been like super strict about them. And, yes, there are. There are some things that are not negotiable, but it's like with food, for example. It's like, oh, I can't eat these like chips or like salty stuff. Okay, so how can I find new flavors and new and discover new food? Right, that will still make me feel, make me feel good and make me feel like I'm not being overtly strict with myself. Right, and yeah, it's been a wonderful experience and I'm still going through it.

Speaker 2: 48:15

I'm still basically like what James Clear, in his book Atomic Habits call, likes to say he's like stacking habits. So, like you basically like, insert new habits between existing habits, you know. So like trying to try to do some of that, trying to like change 1% of what I do, you know, and and not because, like we tend to like, oh, I have to change. So let me just throw everything out. And you know we tend to go to the extreme, so there's other alternatives, right? Some people like extremes. I, I've done extremes before and I haven't ended up completely where I want to be. So the new approach I'm doing is like let me just change 1%, so small changes they compound into a big one, right? Small changes, big, big results, right? So? And a lot of those things have have come internally. It's really about being patient, self-aware and gratefulness, because it's like I was.

Speaker 2: 49:30

I suffered burnout because I wasn't satisfied with what I had. I was too close to it to realize like, oh, I've accomplished all this. You know, I've accomplished all this, I've gained all this experience I've, I've, I've met all these people I have. I still have my family with me, you know, and you know some we, we tend to like Finish something and want something more, but not more. It has to be bigger, you know, and better, and it's it's just, excuse me, it's always like no more, more, more, more, without without really taking a step back and being like this is good. Yes, I'm not saying like, don't pursue, right, don't, don't keep growing, but at the same time, it's like you need to take a break and a step back to be like okay, this is good, let me let me let me see, let me let me enjoy, let me enjoy it because that's the other thing. It's like, oh, I, for example, I want the emic.

Speaker 2: 50:31

No, let's go, we have to go, we have to make more money. Yeah, to the next thing it has to be bigger, you know, and it's not necessarily has to be bigger it. I guess it's more about like, how can we make ourselves Feel better?

Speaker 1: 50:46

Yeah, be present.

Speaker 2: 50:47

We have to learn how and also be like yo, you, you've done this, you've accomplished that, like, yeah, so we tend to like over, like, overwhelm ourselves without even like Taking the time to be like. You know, thank you, thank you, and I think myself I'm like thank you for having for doing this, like, thank you for planting the seeds back then, thank you for like, because a lot of the things that I've done already are are now producing, you know, some. Sometimes we're like spreading seeds, spreading seeds, and that's okay, and sometimes we get exhausted. But we have to be patient enough to to know that we did that. And then we have to be aware, because some of those seeds come back to us, not necessarily as the original seed, but in another way. So we have to recognize them, you know. That's why I say like, keep your, keep your hopes and dreams close to your mind and heart, because, like, life will provide them.

Speaker 1: 51:57

You know you will, you will life, you will provide them for yourself, you know yeah it's this constant relationship of the relationship with the help with yourself, with the narratives that you have in in your mind, and and the courage and the ability that we have to to to deal with them, to address them, to change them, right? So, carlos um, bringing this to some sort of closing, because this conversation is rich and we can be here for hours, right, but so we talked about how, in this game, this episode, I really appreciate the fact that you have mentioned how, you know, gratitude can also come from very challenging moments and gratitude also shows up in moments where you receive that support, in moments of crisis, right. But let me ask you this I mean, we, you knew you now have this new goal that you're working with this, this, this new project of cooking and learning and going to um cuisine school, right?

Speaker 2: 52:57

Colored in a school.

Speaker 1: 52:57

Thank you, um so what are? If I ask you, what is one special quote, what is one Motor, what is one thing that you are trying to live your life by, at this very moment in your life, what would that be?

Speaker 2: 53:12

um, I think one that I that I've used in the past, that I'm trying to like incorporate again into my into my life, is you are responsible for. You are responsible for what you put out into the world.

Speaker 2: 53:29

Mmm and and I think before, for me it just meant like you are respond, it translated into you are responsible for the work that you put out into the world. You know. But I feel like now it's really everything you know feelings, thoughts, words, work, um help, self-love, all of that stuff. You know everything, everything, everything has an effect on you know everything that surrounds us on a conscious level and a subconscious level, on the present and maybe maybe the future. Right, so it's, it's that quote that I I kind of like um embrace, because it's like, for example, in this, at this point in my life, it's like what am I going? What is? What is the present, carlos, gonna do for the future?

Speaker 1: 54:28

Carlos, totally you know for that future person because, like I, feel like we know the people who want Deep down.

Speaker 2: 54:35

If we really think about it, if we really take the time to, to meditate on it, we really know who we want to be. You know so how? So what steps am I taking now Even if they're small, uh, especially if they're small, um to to become that person that we want to be?

Speaker 1: 54:55

would you say that there's that aspect from within us, the truth self within us, very gentle, in a very gentle way, in a very consistent way, in saying this is who you are, but you have to work at it. I think you know what you said, that and and I resonate with it because I have felt that over the years in my life. But I also recognize a moment that I have ignored that voice, and that's that's, that's telepacortite, like we say in Spanish, right? That's, that's, that's the theme for another Um episode, right, because I agree with you. I think there's an aspect of us that knows exactly what we need to do, knows exactly how to go about it, but there are a lot of things in the way that, that, that, that, that that keep us from Um taking those small steps or providing that consistency to get to where we need to be.

Speaker 2: 55:47

Um, yeah, I have I. I have a professor. I went to visit him like a couple years ago. He has a studio in his backyard and we were sitting in a studio, um, and he was like he looked into and he looked at. He looked at me and to my eyes and he was like you already know who you are, you already know who you are. And he didn't say anything else, he left me at that. He's like you already know who you are, like from the beginning, from from since you were born. You know who you are. And I didn't. I was like whoa, that's so trippy to hear, right, what.

Speaker 2: 56:28

But then, like you, you start thinking about it and meditating on it and it's like, yeah, I know who I want to be, you know. Um, so the closer we get to like taking the steps and achieving that, I feel like there's, there's, we can find way more gratitude and way more happiness because I, I tell myself like if I can go to bed, close my eyes and fall asleep, I'm at peace. Hmm, if I, if I can't, then let me, let me do things that will bring me at peace. So sometimes we, we start thinking about things that we have to do or things that happen, whatever, um, but the truth is like we have to find that piece, that balance, that and then it really, uh, makes for a more, it allows for more space to, to be able to see what we don't, and then, once we do realize that, we are like even more grateful and that and that brings more energy. So you can keep keep taking those steps forward. You know, that's wonderful.

Speaker 1: 57:39

Carlos, thank you so much for being with us this morning. Um, I I'm trying to do this thing as I was brainstorming how, what are the cool things that we can do at NIDS podcast to make it Appealable and and for people to continue to stay connected? Uh, one of my good mentors his name is Juan Juan, I've got in and he's a fenter and a friend and, um, he said you know what it would be cool if, if you ask your guests, who do they think should be the next guests on the show, and so I would love to, you know, throw that question to you and and and ask you do you have anyone in particular that you Think would be a good guest to bring into this conversation and to bring to this podcast to expand these conversations?

Speaker 2: 58:20

Yeah, my friend, my friend, uh, my good friend, cristian Mercado, he would be a good candidate. Um, he, he has always, yeah, he has always been there for me. He also has an interesting story because, uh, he grew up in Puerto Rico as well and then ended up moving to etica, new york. Um, and, yeah, he's, he's a great person to Uh to consider.

Speaker 1: 58:44

All right, all right.

Speaker 2: 58:45

Well, you heard that he says yes, or or you get to connect or at least meet him.

Speaker 1: 58:50

But um, but yeah, cristian, for sure that's great friends, this is the second episode of journey talks podcast and our guest this morning has been no other than Carlos Gamarra, and if you have a chance, go check out his work, if you have an opportunity. Hopefully you got something out of this conversation. I certainly got a lot, um I I want to thank you, carlos, for for your, your truthfulness, your honesty, for your, your bravery, being able to be vulnerable, but, more importantly, for once again Cultivating this friendship that we have together. I wish you nothing but the best. I think culinary school is going to be phenomenal for you, and I can wait to have an opportunity where, whether you come to Miami or I, go back to new york and you're the cook, because I want to see, I want to check out those kills.

Speaker 1: 59:36

Okay, absolutely anytime. Okay, brother, take care. Thank you so much. This is, once again, journey talks podcast, your favorite podcast to reconnect with gratitude and Inspiration. Thank you so much for being with us. See you next time. Thank you for listening. Make sure you like, follow and subscribe to our podcast, share your feedback, hit that notification bell and let's keep the conversation going.